In my preparation to raise a child whose gender would differ from my own I had focused on the difficulty of discussing why he could not take 45 minute showers at 11 years of age. How the rest of the family would need hot water and he could masturbate in his closet during normal business hours like a regular person.
I worried about the women he would date, and the woman he might marry. I obsessed over whether or not there was any way to avoid becoming the type of mother who seems to secretly wish she could marry her own son.
So while I spent my time consumed with these existential worries you can imagine my unpreparedness when he shit his pants for the first time and I had to figure out how to wipe sticky meconium off of the tiniest balls I have ever seen.
Turns out baby balls are a catchall for shit. In the beginning, every time I opened one of his tiny diapers I was relieved to see he has pooped such a small amount, but then I lifted his tiny testicles and BAM - poop jackpot.
I turned to Dan.
L: How do you do this?
D: What? Wipe shit off of my balls?
L: Come on. You have these I don't, what is the best way to do this?
D: I have balls, they don't get shit all over them. Don't look at shit all over balls and think, "This is an issue with which Dan would be familiar."
L: I am serious. You have balls and I don't. So just tell me how you would like your balls to be handled in this situation.
D: You want me to describe to you how I would like you to wipe shit off of my balls for me?
Our marriage is such that a conversation like this could have gone on forever. When Dan finally relented and offered his help, he pushed me aside to show me how its done. I was using a thumb to gently lift his baby nuggets and wipe the shit away. Oh no, said Dan. Pinch the skin to lift the baby nuggets then clean.
L: Are you kidding me? Pinching the baby nuggets can never be the answer.
D: I am not pinching...
L: Let them go, that looks awful!
D: (wiping away poop) This technique is for maximum efficiency.
L: Am I really the one advocating for maximum comfort here?!