Wednesday, February 11, 2009

From 9 Months to 9 1/2 Weeks

Recently, a few readers have expressed that they are tired of looking at my last post... that they long for something new.

Readers, does it occur to you that perhaps I have unfulfilled desires too. I am selfish, I admit. In the two hours (broken up throughout the day) that the new kid allows me the freedom to do anything without him attached to one of my massively engorged breasts do I blog? No, I do not. I go to the bathroom, or shower, or eat. Obviously this can only reinforce that I am a selfish beast who has never really cared for any of you.

To make it up to you readers I will now write a blog while the new kid sits at my side and screams bloody neglected murder. Who feels selfish now?

I have noticed how my nursing bras - when seen through the neck line of whatever shirt I am wearing at the time of bending over to pick up something - look like bondage gear. I wondered if this was an intentional design to give allure to a woman whom, at this phase of mothering, has had every bit of her hotness extinguished by rouge baby pee and leaking breastmilk.

With the bondage style nursing bra, when I do venture out into the grocery store at 10 p.m. with my hair a mess and my legs unshaven - inevitably dropping something due to exhaustion - passers by can think I am some secret bondage freak instead of the boring truth of being a new mother coated in baby vomit and milk.

Yes, fellow aisle 6 patron, I had to use the safe word to get my husband to unchain me so that I could run to the store for some whole milk because all we have is nonfat milk and if I use nonfat he will spank and gag me so that I will be forced to go another 2 days satisfying his sexual demands instead of showering. That is exactly what is going on here.


The Panic Room said...

I like how you spun ME wanting a new post into your many fans wanting more. haha

I do feel guilty now. Go write a letter to the president for me the next time you use that safe word.

do it.

Lawton said...

Panic - I always refer to you as "my many fans" - not just on my blog but in conversations with my husband. "While speaking with my many fans yesterday we all agree you should take out the trash and I should eat cake in bed with the new baby." See how that works.

Erin said...

I would like to be included in the "many fans" grouping. However, this fan is also requesting that you post pictures. Also, what's wrong with having unshaven legs? Further, I actually had a male colleague look at me today as I was reaching for the bag of Fritos and say "you don't really want any of those." It's been a fun day.