If depression is like a fog, postpartum depression is like a wet wool blanket stacked on your chest. It stifles the natural joy you manifest. Amidst all of the humor in my day to day life, and there is so much to laugh about, I am trapped beneath this blanket. This is not as dismal as it sounds. I know it is the wet wool blanket weighing me down. And while I cannot express my joy, experience my joy as I would like to, I feel it. I am aware of it and constantly working in it's favor.
I take this depression seriously. I take motherhood seriously. It never occurred to me, the shame that one of these undertakings would cast on the other. How self indulgent to be depressed, to fall apart. How good I had when I used to lose it before. I do think this way. But I do not mean to imply that it is a choice to be okay. While I would choose to be so, I am not okay. I am doing my part by getting help. I am reaching out because in order to be a good mother I have to ask for help.
I cannot talk about this here, yet. Finally, something she cannot share! I can say that I am seeing a shrink this week. I am changing my diet and working out regularly to contribute as much as I can to this body that houses this brain. I can say that I write this blog when I am the most alone so that at least one mommy who reads it might feel less alone in what she struggles with.
I fall apart and this wonderful husband (that couldn't load a dishwasher the way I like it if a gun were held to his head) stands right next to me, picks up the pieces and helps me reconstruct a wife and mother out of a pile of nerves smothered beneath this damp... wool... blanket... So for all the shit I give this man I want you guys to know I didn't marry someone who likes to keep house like I do, I waited for a man that would stay. That would lift up this blanket to see me beneath it and help me. And love me anyway. And say yes wife, you can handle today. You are a great mother. This is just a phase and you will triumph because there is no other option. While we cannot always heal ourselves it is always within us to seek out help. To call out. To say this is worth exposing myself to overcome. Motherhood overcome.