This past week was an easy one. In the beginning with Cohen I could have a good couple hours. A few weeks later I could have a good day and no more, finally I can have a good week. Cohen and I fell asleep face to face on the couch last Monday. I woke up first and watched her for five minutes as she tried with all of her sleepy might to get her thumb into her mouth. She would open her hand, pull her thumb to her mouth, and just as she went to close her fist and suck her thumb, her thumb would curl into her fist and she would close her fingers over it having no idea where the thumb had gone.
Watching this I finally lightened up. I realized that no nanny would be watching this happen and think to mention it to me. No one at a day care would record this event to replay for me as joyously as I relayed it to Dan. I love that when she opens her eyes she sees me. I don't have anything better to do. I can't believe I ever thought I did. I am not saying that staying at home with your child is the most important thing you can do with your life and that all mothers should do it. Some mothers shouldn't even be having children, more than less spending all of their time with them only to rear the little monsters that run into me full force coming around the corner of the WAL MART aisle with their sticky fingers and whatever piece of shit toy they are screaming for this trip.
To be clear, all I am saying is I have nothing better to do. Still I am compelled, when asked what I am up to, to produce an answer beyond that captivating nap and thumb story I mentioned earlier.
An old friend called me last week to inquire as to how my marriage and quest into motherhood were treating me. He asked what I was up to and I shared a few quick antics about Cohens giggles, gurgles, and milestones met. He talked when it was his turn, mostly about the traffic he was in and anything else he could come up with to avoid my asking about his new bride. At a lull in the conversation he asked, So, what else is new with you?
While the consistency of Cohen's poops, along with the frequency, is a topic of peak interest for me, I know better than to try to pass this information on to anyone other than our pediatrician or Dan and try to make it count for real conversation. I panic. What is new? Is the baby not new enough? Is 7 weeks old news? Should I be onto something new by now? I am trying to get enrolled in school again. I dont have to mention to him that this is only to get back into the warm arms of deferment, a lover I wonder if I will ever be able to leave. School, yeah, say youre going back to school! And work, mention that you are going to try to work from home. Work out regularly. Get new mommy and baby video and work out. Learning to sew? No, too domestic, hes obviously challenging your identity as a person by asking whats new after youve updated him on your NEW BABY!
Sometimes I dont even know what is bothering me until I begin to write these blogs. I sit down to write about something completely different and out comes this.
The point of this blog being that I am happy doing what I do with Cohen. I am happy with somedays getting up at 5 am and somedays not getting out of bed until 9 am. I am happy with only having eaten a piece of cake, an egg and bacon burrito and 2 beers today, I am happy being forced to sit down throughout my day to hold my daughter despite whatever I was trying to get done. I am happy taking this time off from work, even though I got an offer for some work on this side this week that I am semi excited about. I am happy with my new priorities, my work space, my headspace and my heart. Speaking of work space I thought I would share where the magic happens, this is my office. It's like Highlights magazine. Hey kids, can you find the breastpump? Good. How about the beer? The boppy? Excellent.