It took me getting a good 12 hours of sleep to realize that I am not, in fact, depressed, just exhausted. I woke up Thursday feeling human again. It had been so long since I had slept for more than 3 hours in a row that I had forgotten what I was like as a human. I forgot that such little sleep could be the reason I am writing blogs reminiscent of lyrics by The Cure.
Sleeping better for some reason now. I wake up to the itching. My tattoo on my belly is raised like
Braille and my belly itches in the night, as do my thighs, arms and legs. The baby scores at least 4-5 slam dunks against my cervix a night now, so I can see that she may consider coming out, though I cannot say when. I am still not dilated at all, she's not dropped, and I am only 40% effaced. This means very little to me except that it all may happen quickly. Don't care, as long as it happens.
Dan's being so great. During the week he woke up with me for an hour at 3 a.m. to listen to me cry, stroke my hair from my face, and remind me that I am not a monster, just a sleepy mommy to be that looks like she could use a hot cup of milk. Last night he got up at 4 a.m. to get me hot milk
because I was crying and itching swearing I would never sleep again, and I was asleep by the time he brought it back. Go figure. His patience with me makes me know he will be better with Cohen than I.
Today Brandee and my mother and I went to the used baby store (Urban Baby Exchange in Phoenix) to see if there is anything else I need. Knowing full well there is nothing else that I need, it was a dangerous excuse to spend money I no longer make at my job I no longer attend. I bought a car seat (we now have three) and some books. The best news was the place is under new ownership. The woman who owned it before had fake boobs and
drove a a land cruiser and when she did talk, she talked about children that could not possibly have manifested in her body. The new owners are a mother and daughter team that really improved the design on the shop, and while both owners sold baby supplies and goods, the new team actually provides a child safe environment complete with a baby gate at the front door and a play area for browsing mothers. I know I know, another place I can't wait to put my baby down somewhere. That's what I consider giving birth to be now, putting her down. Can someone else please carry this.
This blog is mostly to say I am ok. I am sleepy, but not crazy tired. I haven managed not to
cut anyone up into tiny pieces, and soon may actually be able to share a humorous story again, though too sleepy now.