Wednesday, February 22, 2006

My Big Brown Baby

I cannot say for sure what it was about pooping I enjoyed so much. Nor can I explain how during a time when I am at an all time pooping low we have managed to go through 7 rolls of double roll toilet paper in 4 days. Oh, that's right, I pee every 20 minutes. Here is my current pregnancy diet as of this week:

Special K with dried strawberries

Truffles

Coleslaw

Pulled pork sandwich

Prunes (regular and cherry essence)

Carne asada burrito

A twinkie

Decaf coffee

Egg and English muffin

Girl scout cookies

Juice (grape, cranberry, and orange)

Now, you tell me that this is not the diet of a person who should be shitting her brains out. I even have a special pooping posture I have learned to sit in to best unwind my intestines, but it is as if someone (read: 5 lb. baby) has her little foot on my intestine like a mindless gardener standing on his own hose. Of course she doesn't care, she's still brewing her first shit. She won't poop for another 6 weeks, meantime I am hold equal parts baby and shit. I don't want my baby to shit ratio to be so close in weight.

In the birthing class Monday I asked Nurse Mary Beth about the enema. When can I get mine ?She replies, "Oh, we don't do that." What do you mean you don't do that. "I told you last week, you just poop on the table, we lie and say you didn't, tell you it's just gas, and move along".

As you can imagine, this bitch is starting to bother me.

What I have yet to tell Dan is that now we will be doing our own enema at home in early labor. I imagine his first concern with that last sentence will be defining "we", then "our", Fine. I can do my own enema. I don't mind shitting on the table. At this point I wish that it was going to be Mary Beth there to scoop aside my poop at the birth, then maybe I wouldn't have an enema. I'd just deliver 6 weeks worth of back up shit into her baby grabbing paws. But she won't be there, and while I have found a way to be cool with the excrement, I do not want to be known as the woman who delivered twins, oh wait, no that's just her baby and 5 lbs. of poop.

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