Thursday, December 01, 2005

Waking Up Guilty

I have funally gotten it to the point where I am smelling clove cigarettes in my dreams. Whe I first quit smoking, I was constantly smoking in my dreams, then I was pregnant and smoking in my dreams - sometimes I would forget I was pregnant and suddenly realize middrag. The I would check my pack and see that I only had three left so I figured, if I've already smoked the whole pack, what harm is there is finishing these last three?

Then, about two weeks ago, I dreampt about going to buy a pack of cigarettes, but not being able to get to the store. I took this as a good sign of my faultering addiction. I never got to the store in the dream.

This morning, I woke up having dreampt about storming out of an argument, 5 1/2 months pregnant, with a clove cigarette and a book of matches in my hand. The matches were to make my mother (who incited the arguement) think I was going to smoke it, but really I just went for a walk around the dog run (kind of a weird dream) and sniffed the cigarette until I dropped it and it broke. When I went to pick it back up again to continue with my olfactory addiction- it had already been smoked...hmmm. It's not deep, but I didn't wake up guilty.

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